In your arms
by pamthoseweregreatpumps
Summary: What happens when Lady Grantham and her maid slowly discover their feelings for each other?
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter 1_

"Is that everything, m'Lady?" Sarah asked with a soft tone, after finishing Cora's hairdo for the night.

She hadn't uttered a single word since entering the room and she noticed how Cora flinched slightly at her words.

"Yes, that will be all." she replied, sounding tired. "Thank you." she added, just as Sarah nodded her head to leave.

She closed the door slowly, not wanting to disturb Cora more than necessary and made her way back to the servant's quarters. Ever since announcing her pregnancy Cora had been more and more withdrawn and even though she masked it up in public Sarah was the one to notice it of course. Normally Sarah would've tried to cheer her up, but during the circumstances she'd rather not waste her time.

She could hardly remember what life had been like before a certain Cora Crawley entered it. Well, to be more precise it had been the other way around; she had entered Cora's life. Or Lady Grantham, as she had called her for the past ten years. Cora was the name she used for her Ladyship only in her own thoughts. Spoken out loud it would surely sound perverse, and no doubt would Mrs Hughes scold her for her impropriety.

She remembered every single minute of her first weeks at Downton Abbey. She had been so frightened and her nerves had almost driven her insane. Never, ever in her life had she thought that she would serve in such a large and wealthy household. And never in her wildest imaginations had she thought she would be the lady's maid of such a woman as Cora. After her interview when she applied for the job she was sure she would never get it. The interview had been held in the Downton Abbey library with only Cora present. That alone was odd, and the situation had made Sarah extremely nervous. In all honesty she could barely remember what she had said in that interview, only the painful realisation that she had been rather bold and said things you may not want to speak up about upon first meeting with your potential employer. When she got the telegram that confirmed her being accepted she was chocked. Why in the devil's name had she been chosen, out of what she assumed was a large amount of women with far greater experience than her own? Looking back on it now she was almost certain that had Robert been present, she would never have gotten the job. Ever since her arrival at Downton she had always felt a coldness from him. Not that she gave it any thought, her job was to serve his wife, but it still worried her that he may some day convince Cora that she wasn't suited for her job.

And then one day it seemed he had. It was a mere coincidence, but Sarah happened to enter Cora's bedroom just as she heard her and her husband discuss sacking her. Naturally the bastard was more than positive and Sarah first found herself boiling with anger. But later that anger turned into defeat and sadness. Not because of Robert, but because of the woman she had spent the last ten years with. The relative coldness in her voice whenever Sarah heard her discussing the matter felt like someone cutting their way through her chest with a knife. Cora wasn't even trying to be discrete and Sarah couldn't understand what she had done to make the woman loathe her enough to be so indifferent to her existence. She had overheard her fair share of the affair, and what she hadn't heard herself Thomas had told her. Ever since, her attitude towards Cora had changed dramatically. She found herself less talkative in her presence and tried not to show her hurt, but was unsure if she succeeded or not. Nevertheless Cora herself hadn't been quite the same since announcing her pregnancy, so maybe she hadn't even noticed her maid's change of behaviour. In any case, Sarah felt she had wasted so much time on a woman who would gladly throw her over the minute that twat husband of hers had manipulated her mind. She didn't know what she was supposed to do about her situation, or even how to react when she overheard Cora talking about her new lady's maid. After all this was only a job, maybe she was taking this way too seriously?


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2_

Ever since realising she was pregnant Cora had to stand her husband's exaggerated happiness most hours of the day. She couldn't deny she was pleased about having another baby, but she fully knew _why _her husband was so delighted. Although he very much enjoyed Matthew's company and had accepted him as heir, this still put a twist into the game. Suddenly her husband had another chance to win back Downton and everything that came with it and naturally she should be overjoyed for their sake. But she just couldn't be. Her pregnancy came as a chock to everyone, and most of all it made matters complicated for Mary and Matthew. Matthew's proposal had made her deliriously happy, and when Mary even admitted that she thought she loved him, well what more could a mother ask for? Now, on the other hand, she wasn't sure things wouldn't go as planned between them. Especially not after Mary spending so much time alone with Rosamund, that could never lead to anything good. On top of everything she was anxious about the baby's health, and her own, considering her age. It made her ever so delighted when Violet told her she was in need of a new lady's maid, since her old one was leaving her post to get married. This gave her something to talk about in public other than her pregnancy and she was more than open to the idea of that.

She hadn't spared much thought to anyone around her lately and it wasn't until after Sarah left the room she realised how quiet her maid had been recently. She figured it was no doubt out of respect and she couldn't resist smiling to herself. Oh, how glad she was she had hired Sarah and kept her all these years. It didn't really matter how much Robert complained, she couldn't go through one day without her maid by her side. Not only was Sarah bold, she always meant the things she said and wasn't too scared of letting Cora into her head. She knew, of course, that she was disliked amongst a lot of people but she couldn't have cared less. Being an American she had faced so many weird looks from other people a maid no one liked couldn't possibly hurt her. _Maybe I have been too gloomy around her lately_, she thought to herself as she got up from her chair and went for the bed. After all it was hardly Sarah's fault things were the way they were.


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3_

"I could bloody well do her corset so tight she'd suffocate before she even made it to the breakfast table.." Sarah muttered as she lit her fag and passed one over to Thomas.

They were taking a break from work and whenever she had some spare time the thoughts of Cora and her being fired came to her. It was more than just a little bit annoying. She wished she could just forget about the whole thing and continue her life as if she had never overheard these things, but alas she couldn't.

"I don't know why you care so much, you'll find other work." Thomas replied nonchalantly as he lit his.

"That's not what's bothering me in the first place, it's the fact that I've spent my last ten years caring for the bloody cow and now she's thanking me in what way?" Sarah muttered, but she wasn't surprised Thomas didn't understand her.

"Come now, she's hardly a cow. I wouldn't mind dressing and undressing her myself." Thomas said mockingly and sniggered when he saw it made Sarah slightly uncomfortable.

"I bet you wouldn't." she replied coldly, not even looking at him anymore.

Thomas found this whole thing very amusing in a way. Clearly there was something Sarah wasn't admitting to herself, because why in God's name would she be so personally offended by this whole thing? So what Cora wanted to replace her? She had been her maid for ten long years after all.

"Anyway, if this goes on much longer I'll just hand in my resignation and leave her to tend for herself until her new maid arrives." Sarah said and she couldn't help picturing Cora trying to dress herself without her; she would be utterly helpless.

"She wouldn't get in her fancy clothes if it weren't for you, as well as you know." Thomas said, and Sarah nodded.

"Exactly what I was thinking."

She was used to always knowing where she belonged and how to behave, but this whole affair made her unsure about her position. Something she didn't like at all.

"Anyway, must be going, her Ladyship demanded a bath before lunch." Sarah said and sighed loudly as she got up.

Time had moved faster than she could possibly comprehend with. She had undressed Cora and watched her clean herself while asking her maid how long it would take for a lady's maid to settle in. She didn't know what to answer, she felt her whole head spinning with anger and sadness as she tried to hold back her tears. One bar of soap had ended up on the floor. She had been leaning down to get it and on purpose left the other half on the floor, claiming it was under the bathtub which was very accurate until she for some reason pushed it with her foot so it was instead where Cora would supposedly put her feet when exiting the tub. Everything had gone too fast for her mind to register, and it wasn't until she was in the room next door collecting the other woman's clothes she saw her own reflection in the mirror. _This is not who you are, Sarah O'Brien_, she said to herself. _You can't let this happen._ But despite her regretting her impulsive actions, it did happen. Cora did slip on the bar of soap and she did miscarry. The whole day was a nightmare that was set on repeat in her head as she sat on her bed. It was past midnight and the house was silent, but she couldn't force herself to sleep. _What have I done_, she thought. _What in God's name have I done._ Although she had been mad at Cora, and hurt too, doing something this drastic felt, and was indeed, very wrong. What right had she to be mad at her for not being pleased with her services? None. Absolutely none. That dawned on her, but it was already too late.


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4_

This was the second week Cora spent in bed. Technically she was well enough to get up, but she just couldn't bare it. She had hardly looked Robert in the eye since she had her accident and she was also aware of the fact that things were all but good between Mary and Matthew. All this made her so exhausted she didn't know what to do with herself. So instead she stayed in bed, refusing to get up, refusing the company of others besides her maid and occasionally Robert who made it a habit of staring out the window and repeating how none of this was really her fault. As if she couldn't hear the blame in his voice. He had always wanted a son, she had always let him down. Now, when she finally had another chance, she had let him down once again by being clumsy enough to slip on a bar of soap and miscarry. Miscarry the baby that had been, on top of everything, a boy. She very well knew that she had to leave her room in a few days, if only to attend the garden party and pretend to be fine for a few hours at the most. She sighed at the mere thought. She resisted another sigh when she door opened and Sarah came with her lunch. Ever since the accident her maid had been even quieter than before and today she even noticed black marks under her eyes. She felt a sting of hopelessness, it felt like people around her kept getting hurt and it was all her fault.

"Are you alright, O'Brien?" she asked carefully as her maid placed her food in front of her on the bed.

The other woman straightened up, met her eyes and coldly replied:

"Yes, my Lady, perfectly."

_Another lie, _Cora thought to herself as she managed a smile and thanked Sarah for coming up with her food. Sarah was clearly far away from fine, and the same thing went for her husband who also claimed to be perfectly alright, while she knew he must be far from. She felt like people thought she was stupid, they were trying to protect her from all the damage she very well knew she had caused. She didn't even say anything when Robert entered the room and instead she pretended to be focused on her food. He slowly walked past her bed and stopped just by the window, like he always did.

"This cannot go on." he stated, not looking at her.

She didn't reply. She didn't know what she should reply, even though she knew perfectly well what he was talking about.

"I repeat, this cannot proceed. I'm not joking around, Cora, people will start talking." he said, sounding more serious than she thought he had a right to. She didn't care about other people, her heart was broken and she didn't think she was strong enough to hear whatever people had to say. Not even her husband could look at her when he spoke to her, how would other people behave?

"Oh, please.." she sighed.

"Oh, please what? Do you want them to? Do you want people to talk about how you shut yourself into your room and refuse to see people?" he interrupted her with a hissing tone, still looking out the window.

"Robert." she said pleadingly.

"What?" he spat.

"Please, darling, look at me." she sobbed. "I can't do it, I'm sorry but I can't."

For the first time in a very long time he turned around and looked at her. Their eyes met and he felt himself shiver, seeing her in this state.

"I've let you all down, I've ruined everything, please don't force me to face the world just yet." she whispered as she felt more and more tears building up behind her eyelids. To her surprise her husband's hard face melted and when she burst out in tears he hurried towards her, taking her into his arms.

"I'm so sorry, Cora, I'm sorry I.. I didn't realise, I'm sorry." he whispered into her ear as he held her tight and let her cry.


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter 5_

The preparations for the garden party were insane. There were simply too many things that needed to be done and for once Sarah was thankful for the stressful work she had ahead of her. Working hard was the only thing that kept her mind from wandering. When the day finally came everyone drew a sigh of relief, but she was far from relieved. When everyone else was celebrating that all the preparations had been done in time, she walked the many stairs to Cora's bedroom to dress her for the first time in nearly three weeks. Three weeks felt like an eternity, considering that she had been dressing Cora every single day for the past ten years. She had missed the routine immensely. It was the one thing that had calmed her down in the morning, knowing that she usually had a hectic day in front of her, dressing Cora had been soothing. Not having done so for three weeks made her feel like she had been fired already. Nevertheless she couldn't help but feeling nervous as she got closer to her bedroom, not knowing what mood Cora would be in. As she opened the door it became clear that the faked happiness was to be put on just before leaving. The other woman was standing next to the window, looking out on the garden party being prepared, with a pained look on her face.

"Good morning, O'Brien." she said with a neutral tone as she stepped away from the window.

"Morning, m'Lady." she replied as she started dressing the other woman.

She noticed straightaway that during the three weeks, Cora had lost a lot of weight. She was hardly surprised, yet seeing her like this only added to the guilt she was feeling. _None of this would've happened if it weren't for you_, she thought bitterly as she finished dressing her and started on her hair. It took her a few minutes to realise the other woman was crying. She couldn't hear a sound, but she met the other woman's eyes in the mirror and saw the tears streaming down her face.

"Are you alright, m'Lady?" she asked and literally felt her heart break when the other woman rapidly shook her head and started sobbing loudly, burying her face in her hands. Carefully, not wanting to startle her, she put her hand on her shoulder and was just about to try and say something soothing when the other woman quickly got up from the chair and threw her arms around her. Never in her life had Sarah O'Brien been so chocked. When the other woman tightened her grip around her waist she slowly put her arms around her and gently squeezed the other woman's upper body, as she felt her shaking with tears. She would've liked to say something, but she couldn't form any words with Cora's body pressed so closed to hers. This was inappropriate, she knew it, but she couldn't deny the mourning woman some relief from her sorrow if she could in any way give it to her. Slowly but surely the other woman stopped sobbing and she slowly lifted her head to look at her maid. When she saw O'Brien's surprised and, as Cora interpreted it, slightly uncomfortable face she quickly let go.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Forgive me." she stuttered and O'Brien quickly replied:

"Not to worry at all, m'Lady, 'tis fine."

Except it being very inappropriate, it had felt more than fine, and she wanted to say so but she didn't know how. She couldn't believe Cora trusted her enough to fling herself into her arms and cry, and was glad said person had done so. Though it made her even more confused as to why she was to be fired, and increased her guilt of causing her miscarriage. She couldn't help but smile back when Cora smiled at her, still wondering why she showed her such kindness.

She couldn't deny that Cora was a great actress, not showing a single true emotion as she smiled and talked to other people at the garden party. Whatever she felt, she concealed very well. Her husband was fussing around her, offering her blankets and squeezing her hand, and Sarah couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed at the man who had hardly visited his wife during the three weeks she had hidden away in her room. She never thought highly of him and this didn't exactly help. She was interrupted in her thoughts by Violet and wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying until she realised she was talking about how Cora had helped her finding a new lady's maid and how she would like to have the applications as soon as possible. _Air_, she thought, _I need air. _She replied and tried not to sound too off, failing miserably, and then she walked away from Violet as fast as her legs could carry her. _This can't be happening_, she thought to herself. She had misinterpreted the whole thing. She was not the one to be replaced at all. How could she have thought such a thing of Cora? She felt so embarrassed she wondered if she could stay at Downton at all and it didn't get any better when she couldn't stop herself from turning around and look at Cora. She was pale, that she couldn't deny, but besides that she managed to look stunning as always. But so vulnerable, she looked so vulnerable. Sarah couldn't believe how much hurt she had caused this woman. Just when she thought she had to leave to be sick, Robert announced that they were now at war with Germany. And just when she thought nothing could possibly get any worse.


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter 6_

The regret and guilt Sarah felt got worse and worse as the days passed by. After realising what a horrible mistake she had made she simply couldn't live with herself. The fact that Cora was treating her nicer than ever didn't seem to help, it only added to her guilt. Cora had on the other hand felt better with every passing day, although the news of the war clouded her life. After leaving her room she felt like her life had started again, she couldn't understand why she'd spend so long in the dark. The air somehow felt easier to breathe, although her life was far from easy. Robert grew more and more cold towards her and she knew it was because he was stressed out about the war coming, and still upset about her losing the baby. She knew there wasn't much she could do, it wasn't as if she could actually go out and fight or bring the baby back, but she supposed Robert felt he was obliged to serve his country in a time like this. And mourn his dead son. Naturally she tried to be supportive, but as he pushed her away she slowly started to give up.

"Robert, please talk to me. You can't go around brooding in your loneliness forever." she said when he entered their bedroom with a stern face, as usual.

He sat down on the bed and sighed.

"I'm just not sure you would understand me, that's all." he replied as he took off his dressing gown and put in on the chair next to the bed.

"Well try me, maybe it'll be easier to bear if you can talk to someone." she pleaded, for she was getting sicker and sicker of his behaviour with each passing day.

He looked at her in disbelief. _She's a woman, an American on top of that, how could she ever understand the sense of duty you feel?_ he thought to himself.

"No, I'd rather not bother you with it. So do stop talking about it, _dear._" he replied dryly as he got in under the covers and she sighed.

Things had not been the same between them since she lost the baby, they both knew that. But she was hoping he'd get past it and stop making her feel guilty for losing their son, and future heir.

"It's not my fault I lost that baby, as well as you know, so would you please stop acting like I'm a fool who doesn't understand anything." she snapped as she sat up and got out of bed.

"Don't be ridiculous! This has nothing to do with the baby!" he exclaimed and she raised her eyebrows.

"Oh really? What is it then? As a woman, and American, I'd never understand? Stop treating me like I'm some kind of imbecile, Robert."

When he didn't reply she picked up her dressing gown and headed for the door, but before she reached it he yelled:

"Don't make a scene _please_, you're behaving really silly! Come back at once!"

"No, it will hardly make any difference for you whether I'm in that bed or not. Goodnight." she hissed as she left the room and slammed the door shut.


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter 7_

Sarah couldn't help that she felt a tiny bit guilty when she quickly hid in the shadows as Cora slammed the door shut and left her bedroom. She had heard everything. Eavesdropping wasn't something she usually did, but as she had walked by their bedroom door and heard raised voices she couldn't help herself. Of course she had suspected it, she knew Robert had been more than a little upset at the loss of his first son and now on top of that the war. But she didn't know it was _this_ bad. Without thinking about it she slowly followed Cora as her pace got quicker. She wondered where she was going and realised that she was anxious about her. When she had walked past all bedrooms and was heading for the stairs she suddenly sat down on the first step and buried her face in her hands. The scene hurt Sarah much more than she could have ever imagined. Without thinking about the consequences she sat down next to Cora and put an arm around her.

"O'Brien! You frightened me, what on earth are you doing here this late?" she exclaimed in surprise as she looked up and found her maid sitting next to her. For one second she had thought it was Robert who had followed her. She suddenly remembered she was all teary and dried her eyes as Sarah replied:

"I'm sorry m'Lady, I was just passing by. There's no use in denying it, I overheard some of your conversation with his Lordship. He has no right to treat you that way." she said boldly and her heart warmed as her Ladyship smiled.

"Dear O'Brien, you really are too good to me.." she sighed as she grabbed the other woman's hand.

_If you only knew what harm I have caused you_, Sarah thought to herself and for some reason she started stroking the other woman's hand slowly. She was so soft, she couldn't believe how mesmerizing this woman was. Instead of pulling away, Cora found herself rather enjoying Sarah's touch, even returning it. It was a long time since someone had shown her any affection, with Robert acting the way he did. She suddenly got reminded of the time when she had hugged Sarah in such an inappropriate matter and found herself blushing at the memory of it. Sarah noticed this and wondered what Cora had been thinking of. She knew this went way past her chores and the fact that something slowly started to stir inside her made her confused. _You have cursed this woman so many times, what are you doing?_ she asked herself, but her brain had no logical answer to give. She didn't know why exactly, but she suddenly placed her hands on the back of Cora's head and kissed her on the mouth. Instead of pulling away, like she ought to, Cora found herself placing her arms on her maid's shoulders and returning the kiss with much more passion than she had intended. Sarah could barely hide her surprise, she didn't know what she had expected but certainly not this. Their kiss deepened but when Sarah's hands slowly found their way down Cora's torso and grasped at her breasts she pushed her maid away.

"No." Cora breathed heavily, "This is wrong, we can't do this."

Sarah felt her heart sink in her chest as Cora quickly got up.

"I'm.. I'm so sorry. Yet again." Cora whispered.

"Same goes for me, m'Lady." Sarah replied and met Cora's eyes in the dark. Hurt, that was what filled both women's eyes. _Of course we shouldn't do this_, Sarah thought to herself, _I just don't want to face it right now._


	8. Chapter 8

_Chapter 8_

The next morning you could practically touch the awkwardness when Sarah was dressing Cora for the day. Both women tried to avoid each other's eyes and both of them also tried to pretend nothing had happened last night. When in fact, something rather peculiar had happened. Not the kiss itself(even though that had been rather peculiar, too), but what thoughts the kiss had given birth to. Thoughts and emotions. Neither of them had slept very well.

Cora couldn't stop thinking about how she had betrayed her husband and how good it had felt, even though she was ashamed of even thinking about it she hadn't tried to stop Sarah from kissing her. Not at first at least, not while she had still been confused enough to not even know what was really going on. When it did dawn on her however, when she felt the other woman's hands slowly travel down her body, she had panicked. Panicked because what if someone saw them and panicked because it hadn't felt as wrong as it should have. She should fire Sarah, right away, before this could cause any more damage. But she just didn't think she could do it.

Sarah had spent the last night thinking she would leave Downton the following morning. She was quite sure about it. Kissing Cora was the single most impulsive and stupid thing she had ever done. How could she have done such a thing? She couldn't quite understand what she was feeling. How could doing something so inappropriate feel so _right? _She would pay for it however, she was sure of that. To her surprise Cora didn't mention anything about the previous night when she got her ready for the day. _Any minute now_, Sarah thought to herself and felt her heart beat faster when Cora cleared her throat.

"O'Brien, could I get the white gloves instead?" Cora said calmly and Sarah could do nothing but obey her. When she had brought the gloves Cora had asked for she felt obliged to bring it up.

"Your Ladyship, about what happened last night..." she started, but was interrupted almost immediately.

"I will not hear another word about it, because if I do I may have to fire you and I really couldn't bare that." she blurted and waved her hand dismissively at Sarah who simply nodded her head. Strangely, Sarah felt happy knowing that Cora was so fond of her. It made her feel rather special, because normally she was sure a woman like Cora would immediately get rid off any servant who decided to be silly enough to kiss her. Kiss her. She still couldn't believe that she had done it. Whenever it crossed her mind, which was rather often, she felt something she hadn't felt in a long time. She didn't dare to think it could be love. If it was, it would be disastrous. It must be something else. She had always thought Cora to be very beautiful and charming, but never thought it would be anything else than just thoughts. _It had all started when she hugged me_, she thought to herself, _and why on earth had she done that?_


	9. Chapter 9

_Chapter 9_

After dismissing her maid Cora took a proper look at herself in the mirror. The things she was feeling right now made her confused and she knew she had no one she could talk to about this. Kissing her own maid, the world would be furious. Robert would be furious. At the thought of him she felt even more uncomfortable than she had before. She had always been faithful to him, up until last night. What was it with her maid that made her break her promises to her husband? Sarah had always been supportive, yes, but was that enough to hug her, to kiss her? She had never spent much thought on who her maid, who _Sarah_, really was. Surely she had a family, dreams, ambitions? She suddenly felt an urge to get to know this woman better, maybe to figure out why she felt so odd around her. She wanted to know so badly whether the kiss was an act of impulse or something Sarah had been thinking about for a long time. Somehow feeling special to her made her go all warm inside.

Sarah was taking a very needed brake from work, and all the other servants, and to her dismay Thomas deiced to join her. She really was in no mood for his attitude today.

"Why so gloomy?" he asked her as he nonchalantly lit the fag she had, as usual, given to him.

"I don't feel in the mood for discussing it." she replied coldly, hoping it would prevent him from continuing to ask.

"Is her Ladyship bothering you again?" he mocked.

"Never mind if she is." she replied, again with a cold tone. Thomas should really learn to keep his mouth shut sometimes.

"I think I'll go back to work now." she stated when she saw him opening his mouth once more.

When Sarah went back inside Thomas stayed, for even if neither he nor Sarah were particularly nice to other people they still had some level of niceness towards each other. Or apparently not.

Back to work meant go up and re-dress Cora for dinner. She hoped it would be less awkward this time, but only time could tell. As she made her way up all the stairs she couldn't keep her mind from wandering. What was she getting herself into? If it had been nothing, a foolish mistake, she would surely have told Thomas about it. Laughed together, hoping she wouldn't get fired for being even bolder than usual. But for some reason she felt the need to keep all these feelings and what had happened buried deep inside her. That made her puzzled. When she reached Cora's bedroom she noticed that the door was half-open, and the scene that took place inside was something she would wish she had never witnessed for the rest of her life.


	10. Chapter 10

_Chapter 10_

After having a smaller argument in the library Cora abruptly left for her bedroom. She was sick and tired of Robert's attitude and no matter what she said he always misinterpreted her and made her sound childish and vain. Even when he told her to stop and come back she kept walking and slammed the door to the library shut, as she had been doing quite a lot of times recently. She had made it to the bedroom door before she realised he had been following her.

"Robert, what do you want? I'm sick and tired of arguing with you all the time, you know that." she sighed as they both went into the room.

Instead of closing the door properly he advanced on her and grabbed her arm harshly.

"No, I'm the one who's sick of _you_ always disagreeing and defying me. I am your husband, and no matter what opinions you have you could at least pretend to be a supportive wife when we have guests." he hissed, referring to their luncheon the other day when she openly disagreed with him when he said that it was nothing but honourable to die during battle.

She rolled her eyes and gasped in surprise as he slapped her hard across the cheek. Her free hand automatically went up to where he had hit her and her eyes widened when he showed no sign of regret. As she tried to free herself he grabbed her other arm, pinning them both to her sides.

"Let go, you're hurting me." she said, and she sounded more pleading than she had wanted to.

"Not until you change your behaviour, we can not go on like this Cora!" he yelled.

"You can't expect me to sit around and agree with everything you say when you open your mouth! I may be your wife, but I'm entitled to..." Cora yelled back, but Robert ran out of patience before she had finished her sentence and brutally shoved her down on the floor and straddled her. She tried to fight back, but it was useless because Robert was a lot stronger than her even on equal terms.

"You will obey me, whether you like it or not!" he yelled, now all red in his face, as he practically started ripping her dress open. She started screaming, but he put one of his hands on her mouth as he continued to loosen her dress. Then, she suddenly stopped fighting and let her arms go limp on the floor as she started sobbing loudly. She realised she had no chance of getting out of his reach and he might as well do whatever he wanted with her. Upon seeing his wife's surrendering he felt a knot build in his stomach. How and when did he sink to this level? He took his hand away from her mouth and got up, leaving her on the floor.

"I'm sorry, but you must learn how to behave yourself." he mumbled, and Cora didn't move, she didn't even look at him when he left the room and closed the door behind him.

Sarah had very little time to hide behind one of the curtains when Robert suddenly decided to leave the room. She hadn't seen everything but she had seen and heard enough, especially at the end. She watched him with hatred in her eyes as she slunk out from behind the curtains and carefully opened the door to the bedroom. Cora was still lying on the floor when she came in, only she had rolled over on one side, not facing the door. At the sound of someone entering the room she quickly sat up and felt relieved when she saw it was her maid, and not Robert or anyone else. She realised her dress was in a complete mess, and her hair and face too, and she wondered if Sarah had seen or heard anything of her and her husband's fight. The look upon Sarah's face revealed that she had seen more than she had wanted, and Cora didn't back away as her maid slowly walked towards her and sat down in front of her.

"Why do you let him treat you like that my Lady?" Sarah asked sadly.

"You make it sound as if I have a choice." she replied, almost whispering, because she felt the tears building up behind her eyelids once again.

Cora's heart was touched by how much Sarah cared for her. She even contemplated if the maid cared more for her than her husband did. Looking deep into her maid's eyes she was sure she saw something special.

"You should probably get me dressed." she stated as she broke the tender moment and got up.

"Of course, m'Lady." Sarah replied, and got up as well.


	11. Chapter 11

_Chapter 11_

Robert had never thought he would end up as angry and frustrated as he was at the moment. Somehow even the slightest hints of disloyalty made him furious. He needed his family to stand by him, united, in a time like this. Why couldn't they understand that? He felt himself fly off the handle more and more often. He had such mood swings. As he ate his dinner he closely watched Cora's every move and listened carefully to the things she said. He felt nothing. It was like she was a blank page, like someone had spilled water on it and made the text all blurry. He couldn't quite find the woman he once loved. Ever since she lost the baby they had slowly but surely drifted apart. She did everything she could to annoy him, or at least it seemed like it to Robert. She didn't respect him anymore and it annoyed him immensely.

Later on, when Sarah was about to go to bed, Thomas caught up with her.

"Where have you been? Have hardly seen you all day." he said.

"Ah, nowhere. Been busy, that's all." she replied, not wanting to admit that she had been avoiding him. And avoiding everyone really, since she witnessed what had happened between Cora and Robert before dinner.

"Heard your Ladyship discuss your replacement at dinner, seems she's found just the one." Thomas said, no doubt trying to provoke her.

"'Tis not me they're replacing, it's the Dowager Countess who's in need of a new maid. We got it wrong." she practically spat at him.

"Woah, no need to be all dramatic. Was just informing you, that's all. But hey, great news, you'll be staying then?"

"Suppose so."

Her relationship with Thomas was getting more and more tense by the day. She just couldn't listen to his nastiness and his jokes anymore, she was too busy trying to figure out where her own life was headed. Well she thought that obviously it was headed one way for sure; straight towards losing her job. No good would come out of this, that she was sure of. So why in heaven's name didn't she stop this foolishness and pretended it never happened? She was in all honesty getting tired of her own thoughts, it seemed they were only endlessly repeating themselves. And she could never come up with any solutions or anything that could help her out of this.

When Sarah came up to the servant's bedroom corridor she heard muffled voices from one of the rooms. She quickly realised said voices belonged to Anna Smith and John Bates. What he was doing in her bedroom she didn't want to contemplate on, but it was their conversation that interested her. So she found herself eavesdropping – again.

"No I swear 'tis all true! I heard it myself!" she heard Anna whisper, but luckily she was whispering quite loudly so Sarah had no difficulty hearing her.

"You must be mistaken, his Lordship would never..."

"You think too highly of that man! The war changes us all, it has changed him." Anna interrupted.

"I can't disagree the war changes everyone, but don't you think it's a little bit odd..."

"Odd? I think it very odd indeed the war changes a man enough to violate his own wife!" Anna shouted.

"Don't shout, someone might hear you. How come you heard this?" John whispered.

"I was just passing by after bringing Lady Mary a warm blanket after dinner. I can't believe he would do such a thing, the girls's rooms are so closely located to theirs! I know for a fact Lady Mary must've heard it, it started just after I left the room." she whispered back.

Sarah felt her heart raise. After dinner? That meant this was the second time today Robert.. Good God. She felt rage towards that man, rage. As she walked towards her room she found herself wondering how long had this been going on. She clenched her fists and tried to calm herself down. _No one has the right to hurt her_, she thought to herself.


	12. Chapter 12

_Chapter 12_

The next few days Sarah tried desperately to find a way to talk to Cora about what she had learned. She was scared Cora would push her away or deny it. Hearing her deny it would be too much to bear. They still hadn't talked about the _incident_ and Sarah was dreading the moment it would rise up to the surface more and more every single day. Slowly but surely she was accepting the fact that she had, oh may the lord have mercy, fallen in love with Cora Crawley. She couldn't quite distinguish for how long she had been feeling this way. She only knew that she had done everything in her power to push those feelings away. Or that was until she was impulsive enough to kiss her. Now everything came crashing down and she was frightened of her own feelings and the impulses she got when she was with Cora. What would she think of her when, or if, she found out?

Cora didn't know what to do either. Ever since that first time Robert had hit her, it had become a habit of his to be violent towards her. It was never too serious, she tried to convince herself, but she was scared it would start to leave marks people would notice. Only once had he forced himself on her and she was glad he hadn't made that a habit. It had been the same day as the first time he hit her and she was still paranoid someone had heard them. That time he hadn't been covering her mouth and she had been so scared she'd practically screamed her lungs out in pain and fright. She still couldn't believe he would do such a thing to her, it somehow seemed unreal, dizzy, far away. It was like Robert, the man she had loved, had been replaced by someone else. He was like a shell of his old self. She tried her best to stay away from him, but every single thing she said seemed to annoy him and it was like he enjoyed it when she said the wrong things. Like he enjoyed the power he had over her. It made her sick, she felt claustrophobic. Then there was Sarah. In the middle of all these horrible things she was like a light that always shined bright and cheered her up. But even their relationship had gotten more and more complicated lately. The kiss her maid had given her, the kiss she had eagerly returned, had awakened something in Cora. Something she thought she'd lost forever. Mutual care and tenderness. The fact that someone still cared for her warmed her heart, for ever since Robert had started falling out on her the rest of her family had also distanced themselves from her. Out of fear, she guessed. She was ashamed her daughters had to see their own parents's relationship fall apart. Her daughters were all clever, they probably knew what was going on, even if they didn't know exactly to what extent. Cora felt so ashamed, she didn't know how or when she could possibly bring the subject up with her children. She was interrupted in her thoughts when Sarah entered the room to get her dressed for the day.


	13. Chapter 13

_Chapter 13_

Mary Crawley was sitting in front of her mirror and waiting for Anna to come and dress her for the day. She watched her own reflection closely and to her dismay she saw black marks under her own eyes. She had never thought one person could change so much because of a war, but her father proved her wrong. With each passing day he grew more and more stern. He didn't even try to hide it, it seemed like he didn't care about anyone anymore. Her father had never scared her until she had heard her mother cry out in pain one night. At first she thought her mother had accidentally hurt herself in some way, so she was hurrying towards her parent's bedroom when she suddenly stopped with her hand on the door handle. The noises from inside her parents bedroom had sent chills down her spine and left her sleepless, it still did. A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts and she did her best to smile when Anna entered the room. However Anna clearly saw something wasn't quite right, because she asked:

"Are you alright m'Lady? You look a bit tired."

At first Mary prepared a lie, prepared to come up with anything else to tell Anna, but she knew her maid had just left her room that night and she assumed she had heard what had happened in her parents bedroom.

"You know what's keeping me up at night, you heard it too, I know you did." she replied with a sigh and just like she had suspected Anna nodded her head slightly.

"I am most sorry you had to hear that, but I must ask you, have you told anyone?" she asked in a concerned tone.

"Only Mr Bates, m'Lady, but I know he won't tell." Anna replied quickly.

"Good." said Mary, "because I don't want people talking."

"I understand, m'Lady. Have you talked to Lady Sybil and Lady Edith?"

"Only Sybil for now, she's very worried. Neither of us know what we should do." said Mary with a resigned tone.

"I think you should go and talk to Lady Grantham, m'Lady, when Lord Grantham is not around." said Anna suddenly.

"You really think so?" asked Mary, surprised Anna was suggesting it, but secretly glad, because she had been thinking of it too. Maybe there was something she could do for her mother, only she didn't know quite what that could be. But there had to be something.

"Yes, your Ladyship needs you right now. Even if you can't make his Lordship stop you can comfort her." said Anna reassuringly.

"Get me dressed, I want to go and see her right now before she heads down." said Mary in a determined voice.

When Mary left to go and look for her mother Anna sighed. She felt so sorry for everyone who came in the way of Robert's temper. It was clouding the entire house. Even the servants who didn't know what went on at night noticed the change in his behaviour. He wasn't the same sweet man he used to be. He grew angry as soon as things weren't the way he wanted them to be and that was quite often. The only one who had dared to put up a fight was Cora, but now it seemed she was likely to surrender to him as well. That thought sent a chill down Anna's spine, as she went back to work.


	14. Chapter 14

_Chapter 14_

Sarah had finished dressing Cora a while ago, but somehow they ended up lingering in her room for just a little bit longer. Both of them seated in a chair next to each other, talking. It all started when Cora asked Sarah if she ever thought about her own family. What a question. Not once had they discussed her private life, not in the ten years she had served the Crawley family. At first she answered Cora's questions as plainly as she could, but as the conversation became more and more relaxed she found herself explaining things more thoroughly. To an outsider who knew nothing of the extent of their relationship this conversation would probably appear quite normal. A countess and her maid had a civilised conversation before breakfast, a bit personal maybe, but still relatively normal. After a moment's silence Cora cleared her throat and asked, with a voice almost like a whisper:

"Have you ever thought of leaving Downton? To have a family, another life?"

Sarah met her eyes.

"I could never leave you m'Lady, especially not during these circumstances."

Cora felt her heart sink. Sarah was nothing but kind to her, this woman deserved a life. A proper life, a life with someone who could love her. Someone who could give her everything. She didn't deserve the kindness of a woman like Sarah, all it would do was get them both into trouble. This woman had gone from being just her maid to someone she couldn't imagine a world without. But she knew that including Sarah in her world would end in disaster.

"You should. You deserve.." Cora started, but her voice trailed off.

"I have everything a person could ask for, m'Lady." Sarah replied.

"No, I want you to have more than this. I don't want you to get mixed up in my mess, I want you to find someone who can make you happy, do you understand?"

"No, I don't.." Sarah started, but she was immediately interrupted:

"You must! You must understand this, understand what I mean! I can't hurt you, I won't, I refuse!"

"Cora, it is you who don't understand! _I love you_. No one else can make me happier." Sarah half yelled, and half whispered back.

Cora was about to explain that she did understand, but when those three words slipped her maid's lips she ended up silent, with her mouth wide open. She slowly closed her mouth, still silent. Sarah felt her cheeks burn up. There, she had said it. She had put it into words, all the feelings and thoughts that had been gathering in her head for such a long time. And on top of everything she had addressed Cora by her first name. As Cora remained silent Sarah felt tears build up behind her eyelids. Cora couldn't form a single coherent sentence as she felt her world crash down on her head. This couldn't be, this was so.. So wrong. And yet she didn't feel angry at Sarah, not even when she had called her Cora, not even then. She couldn't feel angry, because her maid was only speaking the truth. Unlike herself, who lied in every single capacity. To herself, to everyone. She opened her mouth, ready to make up some excuse for her maid's behaviour and send her away, but before any words could leave her mouth she involuntarily started crying. She was shaking with tears and when she felt Sarah put her hand on her shoulder to comfort her she shook it off.

"Don't.. Don't touch me." she sobbed.

She met her maid's eyes and felt so angry at her for forcing her to face her own feelings. This woman, _her maid_, had awakened something in her Robert had failed to for quite some time. This woman had ruined her life and given it a clear purpose and meaning at the same time. Her maid had changed her, turned her into something she didn't recognise, something she never thought she'd be. Something that was so far away from her morals and everything she stood for.

"You can't do this to me." Cora hissed.

Sarah could literally feel her heart break. It was all over. She had hurt the woman she loved more than anything in the entire world, although her intentions had been to do nothing but protect her. She had probably disgusted her from the beginning, but of course Cora had tried to smooth it over, being as kind as she always was.

"I am most sorry if I've made you uncomfortable and for my inappropriate behaviour around your Ladyship. Also forgive me for my.. For speaking so boldly. I am most thankful that you gave me time to better myself, and I am sorry that I failed to do so. I will immediately hand in my resignation and be out of your way." said Sarah, and was about to get up and leave when Cora, to her great surprise, grabbed her hand and forced her to sit down and face her again.

"Now you're the one who doesn't understand." said Cora with a voice Sarah couldn't identify.

Sarah frowned slightly, unsure about what was going on. Cora couldn't suppress a smile, despite the circumstances, when she saw Sarah's questioning face. She let go of her maid's hand as she leaned over, placing her hands just under Sarah's ears. She cleaned Sarah's face from tears with her thumbs. Sarah shuddered when she felt Cora's fingers on her face. She met the other woman's icy blue eyes and gave her a questioning look.

"Can't you see, the reason I want to let you go isn't because you've offended me. Quite the opposite. I want to let you go because.. Because I love you. But the problem is, I don't know how I could live without you." Cora whispered as she leaned in and kissed her maid on her forehead.

Sarah felt like someone had stabbed her to death and then suddenly decided to bring her back to life. She felt her stomach jerk in delight when Cora repeated the same three words over and over again as she closed the final distance between them and kissed her on the mouth. It was the second time their lips met, but this time it wasn't a clumsy kiss in the middle of the night. Their tongues and hands were entwined as they lost all connection with the real world. They were abruptly interrupted when Mary's chocked voice filled the room.

"Mama! What are you … ?"


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapter 15_

After getting dressed Mary had hurried to her mother's bedroom. Anna had been slightly late and their conversation had slowed her down even more, so she was anxious that her mother had already left for breakfast. However, she was very wrong.

"Mama! What are you … ?" Mary exclaimed as she took in the scene in front of her. She was lost for words. Her mother was in the middle of kissing that horrid maid of hers, but upon hearing someone else's voice the two women quickly distanced themselves from each other as if someone had burned them. Sarah was about to make some excuse, but Cora silenced her as she got up from the chair.

"O'Brien, leave us." she said, sounding a lot calmer than she really was.

Mary followed the maid with her eyes as she fled the room and then gave her mother a very, very questioning look.

"Oh Mary.." her mother sighed as she sat down on her bed and tried to steady herself by placing her arms on either side of her body. She breathed heavily and dreaded the moment she would have to explain everything to her daughter. She shifted on the bed when she felt Mary sit down next to her. Mary put her hand on her mother's shoulder when she saw that tears were silently streaming down her face.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, I don't want to upset you." her mother whispered and Mary was suddenly reminded of why she came to talk to her mother in the first place.

"That wasn't nearly as upsetting as having to live with what I know papa is doing to you." Mary said coldly, and instantly regretted it when her mother gave her a hurt look. She never intended on making it sound like it was her mother's fault somehow.

"I'm sorry mama, I didn't mean it like that. It's not your fault."

Cora nodded and felt her heart sink. Mary knew, which meant they probably all knew, all of her girls. She felt so embarrassed, she felt herself blushing.

"Mama you don't have to feel embarrassed, what papa is doing isn't your fault, you know that. He's lost his mind." Mary said, trying to sound reassuring, as she leaned in to hug her mother. Cora happily accepted Mary's hug and her words.

"We're all so worried, we don't know what to do." Mary said helplessly when her mother started crying.

"Who knows about this?" she sobbed.

"Sybil, Edith, Anna, Bates and I, as far as I know." Mary replied.

"And O'Brien." Cora quickly added, and regretted bringing up her maid instantly.

"I figured that." Mary replied.

She couldn't understand what had made her mother do such a thing with a _maid. _She wasn't sure whether she should press her mother for more information or simply let it be, she seemed upset enough as it was. Cora cleared her throat as she ended their hug and faced her daughter.

"I don't know how to explain what you walked in on, but I must ask you to keep it to yourself." Cora pleaded.

"Of course." Mary replied instantly, earning a grateful smile from her mother.

"I guess we're both damaged goods now." Mary continued, implying on the Pamuk-business that she didn't think her mother would ever forgive her for.

"I guess we are, darling." Cora replied and felt a bit guilty, because clearly Mary was a lot more indulgent than herself. She still had a hard time coping with what her daughter had done, but now she realised she wasn't that much better herself. What Mary did had been on impulse, and on top of that the girl was young. She, on the other hand, was both older and married. And not acting on impulse, at least not anymore. The thought scared her. Where would she go from here? Mary carefully watched her mother's change of expression. She was curious to find out more about her mother's relationship with her maid, because from what she had seen it had been more than just a random occurrence. But she wasn't quite sure how to ask her.

"We should join the others for breakfast, darling."

"Yes, you're right mama."

She guessed her detecting would have to wait.


	16. Chapter 16

_Chapter 16_

Sarah walked the stairs, heavy on her feet. She had managed to avoid Mary all day, thank God, but now she was walking towards Cora's bedroom to dress her for dinner and she could barely breathe. She opened the door and to her delight Cora was alone in the room. No Mary.

"O'Brien, come in." Cora said from where she was seated, in front of her mirror, and Sarah realised she had been standing in the door opening instead of walking into the room. She quickly closed the door and approached Cora.

"M'Lady, what happens now?" she asked anxiously and Cora immediately realised she was implying on the fact that Mary had walked in on them earlier that day.

"Mary won't tell, she's not the problem." Cora replied calmly.

"Then what is?" Sarah asked, and drew a relieved sigh upon hearing that Mary would, for once in her life, keep her mouth shut. Surely out of respect for her mother, and not the other way around, not that it mattered.

"This." said Cora as she met Sarah's eyes in the mirror. "Us."

Sarah felt her heart sink in her chest.

"Please don't say that." she whispered. She knew it was all impossible, but she still didn't want to hear it.

"I have to say it." Cora sighed as she got up and faced her maid eye to eye.

"I know m'Lady, it's just that.. I've given up everything, telling you how I feel." Sarah replied.

Cora grabbed hold of Sarah's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"I know. But the truth is, I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here." said Cora in a small voice, trying to conceal how heartbroken she really felt.

"You can't stay with him, not if he continues to treat you this way. It'll kill you, m'Lady." said Sarah and Cora immediately looked away. She knew things had to change, and soon. This situation wasn't something that could last long.

"How can I stay with him even if he betters himself?" she said and looked at Sarah again.

"That's not for me to say m'Lady." Sarah replied.

"I don't love him. Not that many marriages amongst our kind of people are based on love, but this is different." Cora sighed.

"How come, m'Lady?" Sarah asked, even though she suspected she already knew the answer. She just wanted to hear it one more time.

"Because I love _you_." said Cora as she grabbed Sarah's other hand as well. "May God help me, but I love you, Sarah O'Brien."

Despite the hopelessness of their situation neither of the women could resist smiling to one another as their hands tightened their grips around each other. Sarah felt warm inside, Cora had called her by her first name for the first time.

"And I love you, Cora Crawley, although I'm just a maid and not entitled to even think such things about a countess like you." said Sarah.

"You're not only a maid to me. You're a woman, Sarah, and I love you." Cora whispered in her ear as she leaned in close to embrace her. Cora's words warmed Sarah up, inside and out. They held on to each other tightly and got lost in each other's arms.

"I'll talk to Robert about his behaviour tonight, I'll try to reason with him. It's a first step." Cora mumbled and Sarah nodded.

"Be careful." she replied.


	17. Chapter 17

_Chapter 17_

After dinner Robert excused himself, saying that he wanted to go to the library. When Sybil asked if she could join him he suddenly turned around.

"Give me some privacy, will you? Find something else to do with your time." he hissed at her, and Sybil shrugged at her father's tone.

"Robert!" Cora exclaimed. This was the fourth time he used that tone with their youngest daughter that evening and she would tolerate it no longer.

"What?" he spat back, now standing in the door.

"There's no reason to be mean to Sybil, she was only asking you..." Cora began, but was cut off when Robert slammed the door shut. Cora got up from her chair immediately and also went for the door. That man had no right to treat his own children like filth. Mary quickly got up as she saw her mother head for the door.

"Mama!" she exclaimed when Cora was just about to open the door and follow Robert. Cora turned around and saw the horror that was painted on all her daughter's faces.

"Mama, be careful." said Edith anxiously.

"Darlings, please just stay in here will you?" said Cora pleadingly. She really didn't want her daughters following her, she didn't want them anywhere near Robert when he was behaving this way.

"It's fine mama, you don't have to defend me, it's fine." said Sybil desperately when Cora opened the door.

"Dear, this has gone too far. I must talk to him." said Cora and tried to sound calm. "I'll be right back."

She closed the door and prayed her girls would stay in there, because the last thing she wanted was for them to get in the way. She couldn't bare it if Robert hurt them physically. Mary, Edith and Sybil all exchanged worried looks after their mother had closed the door. Neither of them knew what to do.

Cora opened the door to the library and found Robert sitting in one of the armchairs, reading the newspaper she knew for a fact he read earlier the same day. He was clearly looking for excuses to stay away from them.

"What do you want?" he spat when she came in and closed the door.

She sighed, but deep down she was scared. Robert was so unpredictable these days, she didn't know what he was capable of anymore. The man she used to know was long gone.

"Robert, this has gone too far and you know it. You're scaring the girls." she said, and at her last remark he lifted his eyes from the newspaper and met hers.

"Really?" he asked, "What about you?"

"I'm not scared of you Robert," she lied, "you need to stop this right now. We can't go on like this. You can't treat us like this, we're your family."

He suddenly smiled at her, and at first she thought he had woken up from this ridiculous state he was in, but in a matter of seconds his smile made her feel more uneasy than safe.

"I can't treat you this way, you say.. But you can cheat on me, with your own maid?" he stated coldly. She felt herself grow pale. _It's not possible, Mary couldn't have told him_, she thought to herself. He merely laughed at her surprised expression.

"Not expecting that, were we?" he spat as he put down the newspaper and got up. She still couldn't come up with anything to say, she felt her heart beat faster than it had ever done before.

"Clearly not. But I saw you two that night, that night when you ran away. Was all that an act? An act so you could be with _her_?" he spat at her as he approached her.

She felt her head spin. _At least Mary didn't tell him_, she thought to herself, but it didn't make anything any better at the moment. There was no point in denying it, she knew he was speaking the truth and so did he. As he got closer she felt herself backing away. If she wouldn't have been so surprised by what he had told her, she would've made sure she ran away from him while she still had time. Now, as he got closer and closer, she slowly realised it was too late.

"You know what I think?" he said as she hit the wall, "I think you are scared of me."

He grabbed her arms and she was just about to tell him to take it easy when he pinned them to the wall and pushed himself closer to her.

"You know what else I think? I think you're disgusting. _You disgust me._" he spat into hear ear.

"Robert.. Please, stop it, the girls could come in at any second.." she begged, but he didn't back away one inch from her. His grip on her arms tightened

"Let them see, let them wonder. Then I'll have to tell them about the unfaithful wife I have. And with your own maid, I can't believe that, not even of you. I should report you." he hissed.

He met her eyes, still pinning her arms to the wall, and when they looked deep into each others eyes they both realised how far they had drifted from each other. She couldn't find the man she used to love anywhere, his eyes were so dark and different.

"Let me go, please." she whispered.

"Did you beg her, I wonder? Or was she the one who begged you?" he asked and when she didn't reply he let go of one of her arms to strike her, but she quickly realised what was going to happen and grabbed his arm just before it reached her face. Furious because she was fighting him, Robert brutally shoved her, causing her to fall down on the floor.

"Robert, please don't hurt me." she begged as she crawled away from him as fast as he could on her back, but he grabbed one of her arms and lifted her up slightly into the air. He gave her a killing look and she tried to get out of his grip, but she realised it was impossible.

"Help, someone help me! Please!" she yelled as loudly as she could manage. At this point she didn't care if anyone heard them, she was so scared she couldn't even think straight.

"Be quiet!" Robert yelled back as he hit her hard across the face. Cora fell down on the floor felt herself drifting away into unconsciousness just as she heard someone open the door.


	18. Chapter 18

_Chapter 18_

Matthew couldn't hide his surprise when Mary was the one to answer the front door.

"Mary? Where's Carson?" he asked, but instead of replying she grabbed his arm and dragged him inside. Behind her stood Edith and Sybil, and they both looked sick with worry.

"Matthew you have to help us, papa has gone mad." Mary yelled as she practically dragged him towards the library.

"What do you mean?" he asked anxiously, "Is everyone alright?"

Mary shook her head repeatedly. Matthew had noticed that Robert had acted stranger and stranger, he was a lot colder towards everyone nowadays. He hadn't put much thought to it, he assumed it was the stress of the war and he didn't want to overanalyse the man.

"We don't know, he's in the library with mama, we think it's quite bad this time." Edith whispered as she squeezed Sybil's hand. Her little sister was the one who was most sensitive to all this.

"_This_ time? You mean there's been other times?" Matthew asked, with a concerned tone, and Mary was about to answer him when they heard Cora's cry for help from the library. Without further ado Matthew, accompanied by the girls, ran and opened the door just as Cora went unconscious on the floor.

"I'll fetch Carson." said Edith and disappeared from the room.

Sybil ran straight to her mother, kneeled beside her and put her head in her lap. She started stroking her hair lightly, but soon realised that her mother was completely unconscious. As it dawned on her she tried shaking her lightly but it had no effect.

"No! No! What have you done to her?" she yelled, her voice filled with panic, and Robert slowly backed away from his unconscious wife and screaming daughter. He suddenly saw Matthew and opened his mouth to explain, but realised there was nothing he could say in his defence.

"What have you done, Robert?" Matthew asked, absolutely disgusted by the other man's behaviour. Disgusted and surprised, because never once had it crossed his mind that Robert was capable of something like this. Mary hurried to sit down next to Sybil and her mother as Matthew approached Robert. Sybil was crying and Mary did what she could to comfort her, but the truth was that she felt her own tears rolling down her cheeks. Her mother had red marks on her face and she was pale as milk, but at least she was breathing.

"I don't know.. I.." Robert stuttered but Matthew gave him a look as cold as ice that silenced his pathetic attempts for excuses. Deep down he felt a sting of regret when he saw his wife and crying daughters on the floor. He had gone too far this time, he knew that. But he never would have done any of this if it hadn't been for that bloody O'Brien. What he had witnessed between her and Cora had ruined him. He had always hoped that things would sort out between him and Cora, but seeing her with her maid had convinced him that it was never going to be fine again. He had gotten so angry, but he didn't dare to confront her. The entire family would fall apart if he did, and now it had anyway. With Matthew as a witness. His heir.

"How could you do something like this to cousin Cora?" Matthew spat and Robert was surprised to find himself sobbing. It was like someone had pinched him and awakened him from a horrible nightmare. Only the reality was worse.

"Mr. Carson and Lady Edith went to fetch the doctor, is everything.." said Sarah when she entered the library as she had been ordered to by Edith, but froze when she saw the scene. Robert and Mary immediately locked their eyes on her and it took Sarah one shared look with Robert to realise that _he knew_. He met her gaze and she couldn't figure out if she was angry, hurt or both. Her eyes quickly found Cora's body on the floor and she felt her stomach turn. She found herself walking towards Cora although her mind was in a feverish and dreamy state. She gasped when Robert grabbed her arm. Mary realised in a split second that her father also knew.

"Don't do anything stupid, papa." she said in a warning tone.

He spun his head around and met his daughter's teary eyes. Her face said it all, she knew as well.

"What, so you also knew?" he asked, and both Sybil and Matthew shared confused looks. Marry nodded silently and Sarah used Robert's temporarily distress to free herself from his grip. She slowly backed away, scared that Robert would hurt her, and as she got closer to the door she spun around and ran. She went straight for the front door and continued to run, trying to put as much distance between herself and Downton Abbey as possible. She wasn't sure where she was going, but she could never set foot in that house again.

"What was all that about?" asked Sybil in a confused tone when Sarah had left the room.

Mary and Robert's eyes met and Robert calmly replied:

"Nothing."

"Come on Sybil, let's move mama to the couch." said Mary as gave her father a last glance.


	19. Chapter 19

_Chapter 19_

Cora woke up in her bed with a splitting headache. She wasn't sure what time it was, or what day even, but it felt like Robert had knocked her out for quite a long time. When she tried to sit up she felt a hand on her shoulder and she immediately flinched.

"Shh, lay back down mama you mustn't tire yourself."

She gave Mary a tired smile as she followed her daughter's orders. She groaned when her head made contact with her pillow.

"I'm sorry I flinched dear, I thought it was.. Someone else." she said and met her daughter's eyes; they both knew who.

"Where is he?" Cora asked and Mary shifted uncomfortably in the chair she was seated in.

"He's out walking with Isis. He's been here though, constantly since the doctor left." she replied.

"Did he hurt her? Did he hurt O'Brien?" she asked, struck with panic, as she suddenly remembered that Robert knew.

"No, he didn't. He's very sorry, mama. After you.. After you passed out he broke down and.. He's sorry. He's his old self again."

Cora wasn't surprised. Not even he couldn't deny that it had gone too far this time. She was relieved he hadn't hurt Sarah, but as she felt her head ache she was suddenly reminded of that she knew nothing of what had happened since she passed out.

"What happened? After I passed out? How long has it been?" she asked as she yawned and shifted in the bed.

"It's just a bit after noon, you passed out last night." Mary replied.

She was waiting for Mary to continue, but when she didn't she met her daughter's eyes and saw how distressed she looked.

"Darling, what happened? Tell me." she said and grabbed her daughter's hand reassuringly.

"Well, we heard you scream and we went into the library but it was too late. Sybil was so upset, we all were, especially Matthew.."

"Matthew?" Cora exclaimed in surprise.

"Yes, he came just before. He kept an eye on papa while we were waiting for the doctor."

Cora nodded tiredly, what a mess. She knew Matthew and Robert were, or maybe used to be was more correct, such good friends.

"Can you be a darling and fetch O'Brien? Tell her I'm starving." she asked and patted Mary's hand. When her daughter didn't reply, in fact she didn't even move, Cora was suddenly worried.

"She's not here, mama." said Mary, and she could easily hear the sadness in her daughter's voice. She spun around quickly as she sat up.

"What do you mean she's not here?" she asked sharply, and although her head was spinning she got out from her bed. Mary grabbed her arm and forced her to sit down again.

"She came into the library yesterday, when she realised papa knew everything she ran away. Anna told me she came back later and packed all her things before she left, for good, I should think." said Mary, and at the end of the sentence her voice was merely a whisper.

Chock spread across Cora's face. _Sarah was gone. _She had no idea where she could be off to, she had no idea where she should look.

"Could you give me a moment alone, dear." she said with a strained voice.

"Mama, I hate to say it, but it's just as good. She couldn't have stayed here, not after this?"

"Please, leave me alone." she replied and Mary sighed as she got up and closed the door behind her. _Of course she could never have stayed_, she thought to herself, _but she could've said goodbye to me before she left. _She felt tears building up behind her eyelids and in a matter of seconds she was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. She got up, unsteady on her feet, and her head was spinning as she took her first step away from the bed but she didn't even care. She was crying so much she couldn't even see where she was going. She suddenly lost her balance and fell down on the floor. Instead of trying to get up she rolled over on her back and stayed there. Her entire body was shattered, and the same went for her heart. It was like her mind had disappeared somewhere far away where she couldn't even try to reach for it.

Sarah's heart was shattered, too. She felt like someone kept punching her in her chest. After she ran away from the library she spent a few hours wandering around, trying to realise what had happened and how everything was over now. She realised soon enough that she had left all her belongings at Downton Abbey and sneaked back in the night to collect them. To her great dismay she bumped into Anna. She was guessing that everything that had happened earlier that day was common knowledge and she didn't even try to hide her tears as she packed all her things in a rush. Anna was asking her things like where she was going and why but she just told her it was none of her business. She was handing in her resignation and leaving right now, and there wasn't anything anyone could do to stop her. Sarah sighed as she sat up and forced herself to leave the hotel bed. It was just after noon, she guessed, judging from the amount of people rushing on London's streets. London was the first place that popped into her head when she needed a place hide away. There were enough people to get lost in the crowd in London, and right now that was exactly what she wanted. She could never go back there, she knew it. Her love for Cora was impossible, it had ended up hurting them both in the end just like she knew it would. She cursed herself for heading down this road. Her heart was breaking with every breath she took, but she knew she could never go back.


	20. Chapter 20

_Chapter 20_

Cora was still lying on the floor, with her eyes closed, when Robert carefully entered the room after knocking on the door. He assumed she would be asleep, or resting, and was puzzled when he found her bed empty. He felt his stomach turn when he saw her.

"Oh my God, Cora? Cora?" he said with a panicked voice as he kneeled beside her and grabbed her upper body carefully before lifting it up. She opened her eyes without a word and met his. He tried to find some kind of light or life in her eyes, but it was all dead. He noticed that she had been crying, a lot. The markings he had caused were still very visible and he felt more sorry than words could ever explain.

"You scared me, I thought you were.." he begun, but his voice trailed off. She still met his gaze with an equally dead look.

"Let's get you back to bed." he said soothingly as he lifted her up and carried her back to her bed. Cora didn't utter one word, not one change of facial expressions and no movements as Robert put her back under her covers and made her comfy. He grabbed her hand and stroked it lightly. No response. Her behaviour sent a chill down his spine.

"Cora, I know I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, but I am endlessly sorry I put you and everyone else through this. It was selfish of me to behave this way, I should never have done any of the things I did. It feels like I haven't even been awake, like I haven't been my own self. I understand you had to.. That you had to turn to something else, to someone else, it's perfectly understandable, I forgive you. Can you ever bring yourself to forgive me?" he said, in a tender tone, but his wife just kept staring out in the distance with an empty look.

"I'll give you some time to think, darling, but please try to stay in bed. You're not strong enough." he said and carefully kissed her on her forehead. No reaction. He wondered what she was thinking, what went on inside her head. He knew she was probably thinking about her maid, who, to his delight, had handed in her resignation and left the other day. It had spared him from doing it himself, which would have been inevitable. He left the room and closed the door quietly behind him.

The mood at the dinner table was beyond awkward. Even though Robert had "woken up", as he put it, Cora was still far from fine and the girls were still not used to their old father being back. Matthew even insisted on staying, which clearly showed how much he trusted Robert to not drift off again.

"How is mama?" asked Mary when their father joined them a bit later for dinner.

"She's very tired." he replied, but deep down he feared it was more than just that. Something had broken inside Cora, and he didn't know how to fix it. _I'll just give her time_, he thought to himself. Everyone in the room gave him a suspicious look. Neither of them had been to keen on the idea of him seeing her by himself, but he had insisted, seeing it as Anna would come up with her dinner just after he left. He tried to smile reassuringly but neither of his children met his eyes and Matthew was still angry. He knew they were trying their best to get over what had happened and he realised it would take a long time. He was just so glad he was given a second chance, and he prayed Cora would give him a second chance too. Just thinking of her made him sick with guilt. The war had made him loose his mind and he had taken it all out on her, his love. It had taken him too long to wake up, way too long. The pain he had brought on his own family ate him alive, inside and out.


	21. Chapter 21

_Chapter 21_

Anna drew a sad sigh when she joined the other servants for dinner.

"Where in the devil's name have you been? We're nearly finished here, you'll have to hurry up if you want any food." said Carson with an annoyed tone.

"Sorry Mr Carson." said Anna as she quickly scooped up some soup on her plate and dug in.

"Took you long enough to walk up some stairs to give lady Grantham her food. Next time, do it quicker." added Carson.

"I couldn't have done it any quicker." said Anna, trying to defend herself, "I had to.."

Her voice trailed off when she realised every single person in the room was waiting eagerly for what she was about to say. No one had missed what had happened last night and everyone was eager for any kind of news.

"Yes, you were saying?" said Carson, but Anna shook her head. She didn't want to gossip about Cora's condition, it felt wrong. Carson gave her a demanding look, urging her to speak up, and she reluctantly replied.

"I had to feed her."

No one in the room said anything for a few seconds, but then some of the people started whispering to one another and the way people spoke of Cora like a headline in the newspaper made Anna so angry she got up and slammed her hand down on the table.

"Look at yourselves, I can't believe how you're behaving. That woman is broken, do you understand? His Lordship might not have killed her physically with his beatings but he killed her inside. And all you can do is gossip. Shame on you, on all of you!" she shouted as she threw her soup on the floor before leaving the room, closely followed by John and later Mrs Hughes.

John grabbed hold of her arm just when she reached the stairs.

"They're all chocked, you know that." he said.

"Neither of them mean it, we're all worried." said Elsie as she caught up with them.

"It doesn't matter, does it? None of it does. It can never be the same here." she said as she freed herself of John's hand and ran up the stairs. She didn't want to spend time with anyone, she was so sad and angry at everything. Why was life so unfair? She had always been a proud servant of the Crawley family but now she didn't even know if she wanted to stay.

Mary excused herself early and went up to see her mother. It only took her a matter of seconds to realise that something was different with her, different from the last time she had seen her. Her mother was staring out into space with empty eyes and no matter what Mary said she remained silent. She fetched Sybil and Edith but neither of them managed to reach their mother. They fetched their father and Matthew and even as the accusations towards their father came flying from all of their mouths, and he desperately tried to defend himself, their mother remained silent.

"Look at her, she's not even here anymore! What have you done to her?" Sybil yelled at the top of her voice.

"I didn't do anything, I found her like this, I thought she was angry with me.."

"Which she has every damned right to be! But she's not angry, can't you see? She's _not here_!" she continued, her voice was getting sore and Edith held her tight as she surrendered to tears.

"I think we should let her rest, don't you? Let's just try to calm down, this isn't helping." said Matthew as he grabbed Robert and forced him out of the room, followed by Edith who still held Sybil tightly in her arms. Mary went last, after giving her mother one last kiss on her cold cheek.

"Please be alright mama." she whispered as she joined the others.


	22. Chapter 22

_Chapter 22_

A few weeks passed, and time moved so slowly every single resident at Downton Abbey was surprised time had passed at all. Cora woke up from her coma a few days later, but it was like someone had turned down her volume. She forgave Robert, almost in a whisper, and hugged her children tight and reassured them that everything would be alright. She sent Matthew home and thanked him for all he had done for them, had a meeting with the servants and explained how things were settled now and returned to her daily activities. But not once did she mention Sarah O'Brien's name, it was like it had been erased from her mind. Neither Mary nor Robert brought it up, so not a single word was spoken about her former maid. Instead Robert arranged for a new one, Lily, and she got along well with Cora so there was no need to discuss the matter further. On the outside, Cora Crawley was a strong, recovered woman. But she felt far from any of these things. She had woken up from her nearly dead state with only one face and one name on her mind. One person she could never see again, never talk to again and never touch again. The one person she had relied on, who had left her without a single explanation or goodbye.

Sarah was not more recovered than Cora, quite the opposite, she didn't even pull it together on the outside. Ever since she ran away she had wandered around in London, lost and alone. She saw no reason to get another job or do something with her life. She felt empty and dead inside. Luckily she had some savings, so she could afford to live in a half-decent hotel just near the Thames. She spent most of the day in her room, pacing. She wanted to go back and see Cora again so badly it hurt, but she knew she couldn't. Even if she did, what would that change? One day she sat down on the bed, having reached a conclusion. There was one more thing she needed to do. Thinking of it, she couldn't understand why it hadn't been clearer to her before. She grabbed a pen and some paper and started scribbling down everything she could remember about Cora. Their first meeting, her surprise when she got the job, how she had adored Cora from the first second she saw her. She told her everything. She even told her she was the reason she miscarried the baby to begin with, and how she would never forgive herself for contributing to Robert's change of character. She told Cora how sorry she was for not saying goodbye, but that she realised that this couldn't go on. She told her how she had finally written to a friend of hers who thought she might be able to get her a job. She told Cora not to look for her. With a strange feeling of closing a chapter of her life for good she went down to the post office and sent the letter, before collecting her bags and taking the first train from London.

When Lily was serving Cora's breakfast a few days later she handed her a letter that had arrived for her in the post. Cora dismissed Lily and finished her breakfast before she gave the letter any more thought. In fact, she got out of bed before she remembered it even existed. She picked it up and when she started reading it she read it all without moving one inch. When she was finished she smiled to herself. This was what she had waited for, the final goodbye. She had tried, in vain, to locate Sarah. So she had decided to be patient, to wait her out. _Sooner or later_, had she thought to herself, _sooner or later. _Now, it was done. Sarah had finally said goodbye. She read the letter one more time and smiled at the memories it brought, smiled because the words seemed written in a hurry, but still were perfectly phrased. She even smiled when she read the part about the baby. She couldn't be angry at her, for it was so sweetly phrased and she knew the other woman had never felt such regret in her life. It only added up. Sarah O'Brien. The woman who started everything, and the woman who would linger on her mind until the very end.

The End.


End file.
